Very Sad News

We have had some very sad news. David's mother Virginia passed away last night. She had been in the hospital for a week and we knew the end was near. Still it is a hard thing to loose a beloved mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and great grandmother. She will be sorely missed, but we have the assurance that she is now in Glory with Jesus. She no longer is in any pain.

My heart breaks to see the pain my husband and children are going through. I wish I could make it all better for them, but unfortunately I can't. I am also sad because Nathaniel will never know his sweet grandma. She was looking forward to meeting him.

The house seems very quiet and still tonight. It will be hard to get used to not having her here. We have kept her bedroom door closed today because it is just too hard to not see her sitting in her chair drinking her coffee and reading her book.

We are trying to remember that although we are sad, she is rejoicing because she is with her Saviour.

Blessings,
Melissa

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!
Hope you got to spend it with your family. I did.
An update on our adoption. We have finished our dossier. It will now be sent to DRC to be translated and then filed in the courts. It is slow, but we are making progress. I can't wait for Nathaniel to come home.
Speaking of Nathaniel, we have decided to changed his American name. We originally were going to call him Nathaniel James, but after watching some adoption education DVDs, we have decided to keep his original name,Gabriel,as his middle name. So his new American name will be Nathaniel Gabriel.

My mother has made a stocking for everyone in our family over the years. She made one for Nathaniel this year. I hope next year he will be able to enjoy it next year.

My husband bought me a necklace for Christmas with the names and birthstones of ALL my children, including Nathaniel. I LOVE IT!!!!!

My computer is messing up so I can't post the pictures. I might try again later.

Blessings,
Melissa

Orphan Sunday 2013

Today is Orphan Sunday. A lot has changed since this day last year. Last year I wondered who and where our new child was. But this year we know who our child is. He is a beautiful, sweet baby boy that we have named Nathaniel. And we know where he is. He is in an orphanage in Kinshasa, DRC.

But some things are the same. We still don't know when he will be home. I still wonder how he is. Is he safe? I still wonder, do think about your new Mommy? I think about you all the time. Even though we have not met you, Daddy and I love you already. WE can't wait until you are home with us. Desiree asked just this morning if you were flying from Africa yet. She wants you home too.

Nathaniel has found his forever family and we have found the baby we have longed for, but my heart goes out to all the other millions of orphans that have not yet found theirs. I know that God has not called everyone to adopt, but I think that many more could. If you are thinking about adoption, I encourage you to go for it. There are so many children waiting.

Blessings,
Melissa

Prayer Needed

Well we have had an eventful week here.

I had yet another bout of diverticulitis. I went to bed last Tuesday night with some discomfort. By 2 am I was in tremendous pain. I woke David up with my crying. I went to the doctor Wednesday and got 2 antibiotics and some pain killers. By Friday I was fine.

My niece Sarah got married Friday. Desiree was the flower girl. She had a blast.

Speaking of Desiree, she has been saying that when she gets older she will live with her dad. I asked her who told her that and she said her father. If you ask her if she wants to live with him, she will tell you yes, she does. And why wouldn't she? She can have anything she wants. He never tells her no; about anything! If she wants ice cream for breakfast he lets her have it. What kid wouldn't want that?
But on an unconscious level she is terrified. She has been having dreams of me leaving her. She now has to sleep with the lamp on. She cries when I put her to bed at night now. I can't even leave her in the nursery any more because she is afraid that I won't come back.
So David and I have decided to get full custody of her. We want her to have a strong sense of security and permanence. Our daughter, Desiree's mother, is 100% in support of us. Her father has said that he will sign the papers, but he hasn't yet. I hope he does the right thing and thinks of her more than himself. If he doesn't then we go to court.

We received some bad news about our adoption of Nathaniel. The DRC has suspended all exit visas for adopted children. The exit visa is the very last piece of paperwork in the adoption process for DRC. Without it even a legally adopted child cannot leave the country. They have said this could last for up to 12 months. I am praying that they will reverse there decision quickly.
This stems from an article about internationally adopted children that were "re-homed" after they were brought to the US. The article stated that adoptive parents would list their child on websites and give them away to virtual strangers who had not gone through the rigorous background checks that adoptive parents go through. Many of these children were abused.
I agree that this is a horrible situation, but it is a very small percentage of adoptions and the article does not tell of all of the wonderful adoption stories that exist. And the children living in orphanages are not immune to abuse. I ask for your prayers; that the suspension will be over quickly and for Nathaniel's safety.

Blessings,
Melissa

What we have been up to lately

Well a lot has happened since my last entry. We received our placement agreement which means that we are officially matched with Nathaniel. Our home study is FINALLY finished and has been approved by the GA office. Now we are waiting for it to be approved by the corporate office. We have begun gathering the documents for our dossier.
We got a loan to pay for some of the fees that are currently due. We were quite surprised that we were approved for it since our credit is not so good. And David cashed out his 401K to pay for the rest of the fees that are currently due. So we are no longer in danger of loosing him!!!
We also had a spaghetti supper fundraiser at our church. It was a lot of work, but we had some really great people helping us. Between ticket sales and donations we raised $1,800. So grateful for our church! They have been so supportive through this whole process.

AS I had mentioned in a previous post, Desiree broke her leg and had rods put in to help it heal. She had the rods removed on August 8th. Everything went well. We were given the rods as a souvenir. She was up walking around in about 3 days. So thankful that we are done with this whole thing.

School has started again. Brandon is in 9th grade. Can't believe my baby is in high school. Desiree is doing great with school. She loves it.

Even though we have MONTHS to wait until Nathaniel comes home, I have been in a nesting mood. I have been wanting to get the house ready for him. So we rearranged Desi's room and set up the crib.

This is Nathaniel's side of the room. We did it in Winnie the Pooh.

And this is Desiree's side. She wanted her side decorated in Princesses because, you know, she IS a princess.

I think I have gotten you up to date on everything here.

Blessings,
Melissa

A few thoughts....

I have a lot on my mind today. We received an email from JOH on Friday with the formal placement agreement. When we sign it, have it notarized, and mail it back, Nathaniel will be officially matched with us.WOOHOO!!!!!

Which brings me to my next thought. I have had a couple of people say to me that 'maybe we aren't meant' to have this baby because we have had so much trouble getting the money. Oh it burns me up! If a woman tried for 7 years to get pregnant and then finally does but is in danger of loosing that baby, would you tell her that 'maybe she wasn't meant' to have this baby because she is having trouble and she should let it go? I don't think so, or at least, I hope no one would be that insensitive. I don't see where my situation is any different. We have tried to adopt for 7 years and finally have been matched with a child. Of course I am going to do everything in my power to bring him home! No, I don't enjoy having to ask people for money, but I will do anything and everything I can to bring him home to his family!

I guess it goes back to people not understanding adoption. I LOVE this boy. He is my son in my heart even though I have never met him. When a woman is pregnant, she doesn't actually see or hold her baby for 9 months, yet everyone knows that it is natural for her to love her child even before it's born. My situation is no different. I love Nathaniel.

The other thing I was thinking this morning is about how Nathaniel was abandoned. His birth mother,for whatever reason, felt that she couldn't raise him. But instead of just throwing him away, she put him in the marketplace; a busy area that I think she knew he would be found.I believe it was an act of love. This reminded me of the story of Moses. His parents couldn't keep him, but because they loved him, they put him in the Nile River; a busy place where they knew he would be found.

I am not saying that God has a super spiritual purpose for Nathaniel like He did for Moses. But He must have a purpose for Nathaniel and for us because He put us together. And I thank him for it!

Blessings,
Melissa

So you're friend is adopting.....

Dear Friends of Waiting Adoptive Moms: Some Things To Know by the author at Wondermentetc.com

1. Your friend is not crazy. (She is adopting.)

There is, I will admit, a fine line between those two but still it’s good to remember. The international adoption of a child requires enough paperwork to kill a small forest. And more governmental red tape than you can believe. Imagine your longest, most frustrating trip to the DMV. Now quadruple that, add in twelve more governmental agencies in two countries, and remember it’s not a driver’s license you’re waiting for but the final piece of paper that says this family you’re creating can finally, finally be together. Yeah. Not crazy. But close.

2. She loves a child she’s never met.

It’s possible. So possible. It’s irrational and crazy but it’s reality. Does she love them like she will once she gets to know them? No. But she loves them. She wakes up loving them and goes to sleep loving them. She drives to the grocery story and aches to have them safe and snug in the carseat waiting for them. She pushes her cart around the store and hears a child cry and her heart pounds wondering if her child is crying? Alone? Hungry? She might even have to leave an entire grocery cart full of food in the yogurt aisle to go home and cry because it just is too hard. Way too hard.

3. It’s difficult having your heart on the other side of the world.

To people on the outside they don’t look like our kids, on paper they might not be our kids yet. But in our hearts we love these children like they are and yet we’re not together. We’re moms without children. It’s an ache that doesn’t go away. It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they’re in our arms. So we walk about with half our heart missing. It’s hard to breathe, to think, to speak. Something always feels missing. Because they are.

4. She is addicted to her email.

It’s okay. This is a temporary condition and most make a full recovery. It can be diagnosed by refusal to allow separation from her smart phone, or glassy-eyed concentration as she clicks “refresh” over and over and over on her computer. Other signs may include: waking up in the middle of the night to check because it’s X time over there, and muttering aloud “must get home, must check for update, must get home” while out in public.

5. Her child has been through trauma.

If she’s like a lot of moms she won’t be advertising that fact everywhere because she respects her child’s privacy. But children don’t come to the place of needing a second family because they were placed in a cabbage patch by unicorns and leprechauns. Adoption comes from loss. Loss she will see in her child’s eyes and in their heart. Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry. So don’t tell her the kids are lucky. You wouldn’t tell a person who lost an arm that they’re lucky to have a prosthetic one would you? I mean yeah, they are lucky to have that replacement. But you know what would be luckier? Not losing that arm in the first place. So please be understanding. Also, maybe instead of asking for her child’s story outright ask “are you sharing about his history before you?” That gives her a chance to either answer you or bow out graciously.

6. Adoption isn’t pregnancy.

It just isn’t. Well, it is in that at the end of it the hope is to have a new son or daughter in your arms. But I’ve yet to meet a pregnant woman who wonders how old her child will be upon entry into the family. Adoption is different. There is no due date for us. Let that sink in. No due date. And even given preemies and late arrivals with the baby by stork method you have a narrow months-long window of time in which the baby will arrive. That brings us to point number seven.

7. She probably doesn’t know when the child is coming home.

And she has probably been asked this approximately twelve times that day. Because you, her awesome friends, care about her! (And also you secretly worry she’s going a little nuts, see point #1.) And I get it. It’s hard with adoption because you don’t know what to ask. I feel that way with pregnant ladies, like what am I supposed to say? “Your ankles really don’t look that bad do they?” Recently I learned the always safe phrase “you look great – how is baby doing?”, the adoption equivalent is “I know you must miss your kiddos, how is the adoption going?” Or, if you don’t have time to have her break down and cry all over you try the even safer “can I see your latest update pictures?” and then ooh and aww over their cute faces. Even if the pictures are horrible say something positive. I mean I don’t tell people that their sonogram pictures sometimes look like aliens made of bread dough. (Except yours Amy B. Yours is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.)

8. She isn’t sure they’re coming home.

This is the part of the adoption process that makes you want to crawl under your bed and not come out until it’s safe again. This is the part that tears you soul in two. This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing. Because there are no guarantees. And that’s hard. No, not hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s not just the fear that your child might die before having a family, it’s that this child you love with every ounce of your being might grow up in an orphanage, on the streets, or worse.

9. Your friend is kind of stupid.

I know. That’s harsh. But it’s true. You try operating on a daily basis with only half your heart and half your brain, because that’s what it’s like. ‘Cause they other half of you is wrapped up in a tiny person who is half a world and what feels like a lifetime away. Also, because of the time zone difference it means that half of you is awake pretty much all the time.

10. She doesn’t need to hear your HAS (horrible adoption stories.)

Yes, I know, everyone knows of someone’s uncle’s neighbor who adopted a child and then the child burned down the school with the power of her mind after her classmates dumped a bucket of pigs blood on her. (Oh wait, that’s the storyline of “Carrie” isn’t it?) But sharing these stories are the equivalent of telling someone hopping in a plane for their first sky-diving session “I watched this video on youtube where a guy skydived. He died. And his body was all smashed and stuff.” Maybe it’s true but it’s also not overly helpful. Unless you’re the kind of person who also goes up to pregnant woman and says “I read a book about this lady who got pregnant one time, she gave birth to a kid who became a serial killer and sewed a suit of clothes out of his victims skin. (Shoot, that’s the storyline of “Hannibal” isn’t it? Well, I tried.)

Do “Adoptive Kids” sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You know who else grows up and does horrible things? “Vaginal kids.” So really, the warning should be more along these lines: “You’re going to be a parent huh? Good luck with that.”

11. She has probably done her research

Don’t assume she’s going into this because of a driving urge to be mistaken for Angelina Jolie. Unless she is also demanding everyone call her husband “Brad” it probably comes from some deeper place. Or you know, her husband’s name really IS Brad. Chances are she’s read books on adoptive parenting, has agonized for hours over which adoption agency to choose from. Made a decision. Then agonized some more. She’s thought about the ethical questions. And if you don’t think she has then maybe ask. “How did you pick your agency?” “What led you to X country?”

12. She looks brave on the outside, she’s brave on the inside too. But she’s also a mess

Which, I think is what mothering and loving is all about. Being a mess. Throwing your love out there and not knowing if you’re ever going to get it back. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels like you can’t breathe and when you can it hurts to do it. And you don’t want to complain about that because you picked it. So you pick up the pieces of your heart and you keep going. You keep going because at the end of the day what you go through as an adoptive mother is nothing compared to what children go through when they live their life without family. And that’s what this journey is all about.

My friend sent this to me and I thought it described me to a tee.

Blessings, Melissa